It's not what I expected. But that turned out to be a good thing.
Four years ago, my life changed dramatically. Four years ago, I found out something about you that changed everything. I can’t go back and I don’t think I would if I could. But the way the world works for me changed that day and everything got a little less hopeful, a little less possible, a little more gray.
You are away now. I don’t know how long you’ll be there, but I hope that when you come back, you’ve changed. There are two little boys in this world that will never really understand that this had nothing to do with them. They will almost certainly spend a portion of their life wondering why they weren’t enough for you, why they couldn’t make you better.
You need to be better than this. You need to see that this thing that you need so much… it has only ever caused you pain. You really are powerless against it. There will never be a time in your life that this will not be true. There will never be a time that you will not want it. If you are waiting for that time to come, stop. If you are waiting for a time that it gets easy, stop. It will never happen. You can only accept that it will be hard for the rest of your life.
The alternative to the hard life is… well, to be honest, I’ve started to accept the possibility that you will not win this fight. I’ve started to accept the idea that I will probably one day have to have the hardest conversation in the world with those two little boys. Because you just keep falling. You keep hitting “rock bottom” and then something happens and you fall a bit further. You refused to accept any help from the few people left in your life who are still there.
I am not one of those people anymore. Three and a half years ago, I made the choice to walk away. I chose sanity over chasing you down that hole. I chose stability for my children over watching you slowly kill yourself. I met someone else, someone who loves me unconditionally and works hard to support me and the two children who, although he didn’t create them, he has come to love as his own.
I will never be back in your life. There’s too much there in the wall built up for that to be a possibility. But they still love you, more than you really deserve. You have a debt to them for that love. You owe it to them to stay clean when you get out. You owe it to them and to your mother and to the girl out there who loves you in spite of all of this. That’s more than most people have after all that you’ve done.
If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for them. Do it for them.
I am so bored that I actually just spent 10 minutes of my life writing Amazon an email critcizing the functionality of their Amazon Prime Instant Video service.
Do I like watching Suits? Of course I do, that show is a B.A.M.F. But do I like that I can’t watch it on my phone during my three hour gap between classes on Wednesday? No. And you need to know that, Amazon. You need to know it and do something about it.
All it takes to get what you want is to ask for it.
So many people go through their lives missing something because they’re too afraid to ask for it.
Just ask. The worst that can happen is that they say no. Then you know you’ll have to try something else.
*british person voice* “americans drive on the wrong side of the road”
really? because the majority of the world seems to disagree
finally america didnt fuck something up and call it good.
I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again. Americans drive on the right side of the road… literally.
And figuratively. Totally figuratively too. Backwards ass British people.
I just wrote ten pages of my big assignment this semester, my case study of a struggling reader.
My brain feels slightly like goo.